Big Change.

Shane left this morning. He starts his job on Tuesday. I don't know when I'm going to get to see him again.

I feel really lost right now. Usually he's still at Wal-Mart working when I get off of work on Saturdays. And today he wasn't there. I called him and he didn't answer - bad reception probably.

It's that hollow feeling you get when something you're so used to changes suddenly.

I sit here thinking I should have looked into his eyes two minutes longer this morning before saying goodbye. I wish I would have hugged him tighter and said I love you once more.

Yes, I'll see him again. And yes, I'll talk to him everyday. But this is so hard. And I hope that no one will ever have to feel this way. And if you have, I pray you never have to feel it again.

I don't know if I should find something to do to get my mind off of being sad, or if it's better to just sit here and think. I don't really feel like doing anything, but I have much homework this weekend. And it's all reading. I can't concentrate on a text book on a normal day. And this isn't a normal day. I'd probably end up tearing the pages into pieces and not realize it.

I really want to call a friend and see if they want to do something. I know Sarena and Dan are free this afternoon. Reason-not-to One: I really do need to try and do some homework. Reason-not-to Two: The last time I hung out with Sarena and Dan Shane was there with me and that'll make me sad. And also I would probably get jealous of Sarena because she can be with Dan. Reason-not-to Three: I don't think I can move all that much. It took a lot to actually do work today at Wal-Mart; and I had to do a lot today.

I know my friends are around and supportive and they love me. But I don't want to be the party-pooper, in a sense. I don't want to doubt myself and start feeling like they're hanging out with me out of sympathy.

I'm scared to listen to music in fear that any song will make me think of Shane and I'll start to cry.

And I'm scared to turn on the television to my favorite channels because my favorites are also Shane's favorites and we watched our favorite shows together.

I don't want to take a nap because Shane laid on my bed.

And I really don't want to think because when I do I think about Shane first of all and I become more sad.

Okay, I'm done writing this feeling-sorry-for-myself blog. I'm going to eat something because I haven't all day, and I'm going to try and do some homework, and then, depending on the time, I'm going to find something else to keep me entertained. Maybe I'll go to Hastings and rent a movie Shane doesn't like.

Love.