Adult Speaking.

I am twenty years old, yes? You would think by now if I would try to have an adult conversation with my mother that we could successfully meet that goal. No.

I just asked her a simple question about this weekend and she gets all defensive about something that doesn't even matter! I think we're finally getting to the point where my parents know they can't make all my decisions for me, but now they're just going to be mean about it. They're not just going to give their opinion and politely step back and wait to see what decision I make. They're going to defensively state their opinion and then breathe down my neck until I conform to their wishes. I can't keep doing that! For once...please, once, I want to make my up my own mind about something that doesn't even concern them!

I've come to terms that I wasn't raised the way I should have been raised and that I've been lied to for my entire existence by the two people that should never lie to me - my parents. They tell me to learn from their mistakes, not my own, but they won't admit to their mistakes! I find them out for myself and then whimper in my little corner until I can manage to forgive them for doing such a thing - and they don't even know I know! I'm forgiving two people that don't ask to be forgiven by their daughter because they don't even know enough about their daughter to realize that she's not stupid!

If they want me to be my own person then let me make a few decisions from time to time! Don't make me YOUR person. Let me make a mistake and let me live with the consequences of my mistake. Let me take a chance on something and if I don't like what I've done make ME turn around and try to correct what I've done. I understand parents want to shelter their kids from everything that's bad, but they have no right to tell me what to do in this situation when I know the truth. They can lie and deny it all they want, but I know, and I won't make the mistake they made, because I'm not that irresponsible! I'm smart enough to know to say no when I need to. And I'm smart enough to get myself out of something before I get too deep in trouble that I can't make it out.

They tell me to do all these things, and still I don't know what they want from me. I hurt knowing that somehow I've disappointed my parents, but I've only disappointed them by doing what they tell me. That may not make sense to you, but I understand full well. Hypocritical, that's what it is. They can shelter me from everything they want to shelter me from, but what kind of person does that make me? I feel useless, dumb, and sick because of everything I've been sheltered from. I come to college and I'm so unexperienced with so much that I can't fit in. They tell me to do this and do that, and I try, but I don't know how. They don't realize that they never taught me how to do the things I need to do to accomplish everything they wanted of me. I've failed trying to become what they wanted; I tried so hard and fell harder everytime because I missed the lessons. I missed the world. I missed every chance I could have taken to be something great, because I was spending all my time trying to figure out how to make it happen. I didn't - and still don't - take any chances. I'm too afraid that my next step will be the wrong one.

How can anybody live their life like that? Afraid to do anything because they don't want to fail? You have to fail at something to become good at something else. But I never found what I was good at because I was busy failing for my parents. I tried so damn hard, but I never knew what I was supposed to do and why.

This is one big circle. And how do I make it stop? I could turn a corner. Circles have no corners. What will my corner be?