I Need My Glasses To See.

Shane came down this weekend. It was great to have him around for 2 days! Friday night we rented Zodiac (the new one) - it was really good. Saturday we watched a little of the parade that ended here at the college. Saw my mom and sister. I had to work until 8 that night but afterward I went to Shane's parents' house to hang out with him and his brothers. We ended up coming back to Kearney to buy a movie that they thought I really needed to see. Bio-Dome...hilarious! Then we went to bed. Today we woke up and hung out for awhile. Then his parents made a wonderful lunch of lasagna! I had to work at 4 - until 10. Shane came in to see me before he headed back to North Platte. He's back now and sleeping. I should be sleeping but I cannot fall asleep!

I'm so tired from having a boring day at work, buuuut - my body is restless despite my tired eyes.

Well, I'm going to TRY to sleep. Bleh.

To all: A Happy Monday Morning!

I Hope.

I hope this weekend goes accordingly to my wants. I know I have to work all day Saturday - 11-8. That's okay. I don't know if I have to work on Sunday yet. I probably will have to. Marsha said she wanted me to come over on Sunday to either watch the game or to watch a movie with her. I really want to but...I still might have to work. Then today Shane told me he might have Saturday and Sunday off! So...that would be awesome if he could come down here again. Or something.

But...I still might have to work. I hope that if I have to work it's not a 9-hour shift again. Just a few hours so I can still have some weekend to enjoy. If not, though, maybe I'll get next weekend off. I'm too hopeful I think.

I work tonight and then I'm going to bed. I'm tired and I didn't get up more than 2 hours ago. Bleh! What's wrong with me!?

Happy September Tuesday Third Day!

I wouldn't ask about it if I were you.

Shane's coming down here today. He should be here within the next twenty minutes! I can't wait!

Mom and Taylor are also going to be in town so, yay! I get to see almost everyone I love today! We're just missing a couple people.

I guess I don't really have much to say right now. I'm sick of my classes and I'm sick of these headaches. They came back. Yippy.

To All: Adios.

Another Wonderful Weekend!

Saturday after work I got my oil changed and I headed to North Platte. And can you guess what I did there? That's right! I saw my Shane!!! I stayed with him and his dad at the Holiday Inn Saturday night. This morning Shane and I went to Perkins for breakfast and I headed back to Kearney around 12:30. I had to work at 3. But seeing Shane was wonderful while it lasted. I can't wait to see him again.

Work was pretty boring. It was my first day on my own. That part went well. But Sunday evenings are soooooo uneventful. I left at 9 and came back to my room and wrote a paper that is due tomorrow. That was fun. Really, it was.

I thought I missed the new Jeff Dunham special on comedy central. And I was sad. It was just getting over when I called Shane this evening after work. But they replayed it at 10 so I'm watching it now. I can't wait to buy it! It's so hilarious!

To all: Good laughs.

New Work.

Tonight was my second night of work at Apple Market. I'm really liking it there. The girls are fun to talk to and a few of the sackers are fun, too. Checking of course isn't that hard. I checked for almost 5 hours straight tonight so I got pretty used to the registers. I have to work tomorrow 10-2. It's my last day of training. All I have to do is check while Shelly watches me and makes sure I do alright. Easy.

After work I'm getting my oil changed - and my oil filter - and a bunch of other fluids. And...then...I'm heading to North Platte to see Shane! Yay! I'll stay until Sunday around noon. I have to get back by three that afternoon 'cause I have to work again. That's alright though. I don't want to spoil myself and Shane too much. Ha.

We're reading Frankenstein for my Reading & Writing About Literature class. I've read most of it before - clear back in high school. I didn't like it back then. Maybe my mind has matured or something because I'm enjoying it this time. It just takes a while to read, there's a lot of words and a lot of details you have to pick up on in such short chapters. But it's good, and that makes me happy.

I better get to bed soon. Or I might not wake up for work tomorrow. And we don't want that.

To all: A great weekend!

Last Paycheck.

This morning I went to Walmart and picked up my very last paycheck from that place that I don't like to be. Yay!

I started training at Apple Market yesterday. I think I'm really going to like working there. Not only does my best friend Shelly work there, buuut...it's so much better a work environment that Walmart is! Sure, there's the cranky customers and the cranky workers, but you have to multiply that by 20 to get the total crankiness ratio from Apple Market to Walmart.

Tonight is my poetry night-class. I hope tonight goes better than the other nights. After this class time though we will only have 12 more poetry classes this semester! It's only one night a week, so I just have to count down weeks. It's fun to do - once we get down to 9 weeks left, I'm going to overly thrilled!

I better go and read Frankenstein - It's actually not too bad of a book.

To all: A wonderful Thursday.

Ninety-second.

I was just rereading and updating my other two blogs I have online.

On one of those blogs in particular I posted a new updating blog that I felt I should link you to. I'm sure you all know everything that is in the blog, but I feel it is very well written and it would be a shame to not at least direct you to it. Now, you don't have to feel obligated to open the link. But I felt I must give you the chance, at least.

Oh, Just Randomness.

There. My job is done; but I will keep typing.

Tonight I went to a movie for my film class. Holiday starring Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant. It was a very good movie and I want to watch it again. In fact, I want to own it. I told Shane that it would make a very good Christmas or birthday present if he felt like getting me something. Ha, I think I'll probably get it.

I feel accomplished tonight. I went to both of my classes, lunch, and the movie for my film class. I ate supper alone (that should feel sad, but ironically it felt good.) I went to WalMart after the movie and bought only necessities: bottled water, breakfast bars, Kleenex, and trash bags. No splurging for this girl tonight. When back in my room, I cleaned Bubs's bowl and now he can see out and I can see in. After doing the much needed bowl-cleaning I cleaned my bathroom counters and the sink and washed my dishes which called for another sink-cleaning when I finished. I have tomorrow planned out well enough to call it good and I feel alright. I guess there's always a little something to be said for organization and wise time-usage.

And now that I have used up enough cyber-paper on this blog I will use some before-bed freetime to enjoy a little television, a little teeth-brushing, and finally and little relaxing bed-laying.

To all: A good-night.

Mondays?

I had a stupid moment this morning. You're not going to know what I did.

Class was boring today, as will be my Grammar class that I have to leave for in ten to fifteen minutes.

My dreams were really odd last night. I don't think I could begin to explain them!

I start working at AppleMarket on Wednesday. I'm pretty excited because I get to be trained by Shelly! Yay!

Lately, I've been very tired, and no matter how much I sleep I just can't shake it. Maybe tonight I'll go to bed as early as I possibly can! Yeah right.

Good and Bad.

So, Shannon to answer your question. Yes, something happened but I had also been planning on leaving soon. And actually...I already have a job! I went to take in my application to Apple Market where my friend Shelly works, and they gave me an interview right then! So I think I'm going to be starting next week sometime! I'm excited!

However, there was a downside of the day. Well, let me start at the beginning. This afternoon I went to Pet Kingdom to look at the fish. There are some really pretty ones that I want to get. But I had to go to Walmart first to get a small one-gallon aquarium. Shelly, Mandy and I went to Walmart and bought the little aquarium this evening. And after we got back we went for a walk. After the walk I came back to my room to set up the aquarium so it was ready for me to bring a new fishie home tomorrow afternoon. Well...I was going to say hi to my other two fishies. And I discovered that Stewie, the comet goldfish, was dead. I'm okay, I didn't cry or anything! But I've had him for awhile, a long time for a goldfish in my possession at least. We had a funeral and I'm asking everyone to take a moment of silence for Stewie tomorrow, Thursday the 13th, at 1:45pm central time. I'd really appreciate it. And I'm sure he would appreciate it on his way to Fishie Heaven, which coincidentally, is also People Heaven! Yay!

Have a good night, day, and other. Loves.

This Is How It Goes.

Yesterday I quit working at Wal-Mart.

Today I went to class and did homework.

Tomorrow I will go to class and take my applications to the stores I applied at.

Thursday I will go to my two classes.

Friday is undecided.

And that is how it goes.

A Wonderful Weekend!

This wonderful weekend brought to in part by The Kaylee Loves Shane Foundation.
...and also by...
Viewers Like You.

Uhm...

Anyway - Saturday after I got off of work I went back home for a few hours (long that I'd wanted) to see the family. I was hoping to get on the road to North Platte around 6:30 - well, that turned into 8 because of set-backs caused by none other than, Dad. That's okay - that's over now.

Well, I got into Sutherland a little after 10pm and hung out with Shane. We eventually went to bed 'cause I was tired, and he was too. All night he was doing some weird walking-and-talking in his sleep and for most of the night he was sleeping in the living room on the couch instead of in the bedroom with me...that's alright.

Today we woke up and had breakfast/lunch with his aunt and uncle. Then the four of us drove around Sutherland looking at houses for sale or rent. We didn't see anything we really liked - or that was in our price range. Later, after the Broncos game (they won) Shane and I went into North Platte to hang out. We spent the majority of our time in Wal-Mart; don't we always? We drove around some carlots and he showed me around town. We ate at Whiskey Creek and headed back to Sutherland so I could get headed back to Kearney.

The drive back was okay. Lonely, after having been with Shane all day. Traffic was traffic. It rained for probably an hour out of the two hours I was on the road. It was a nice rain - I barely had to use my wipers. I listened to good music and sang all the way back.

Oh, I forgot to mention! Last February (2006) on Valentine's day I sprained my left ankle. Well, it never really healed all the way. And just Saturday at work it really started hurting again. I think I must have twisted it or turned on it weird. It was hurting so bad today that we had to go to Wal-Mart a second time to get a brace for my ankle. With the brace on, it feels much better, but I can still feel where the tendon is just not right.

Anyway, that was my wonderful weekend. Brought to you by the letter W, and the number 3!

Adult Speaking.

I am twenty years old, yes? You would think by now if I would try to have an adult conversation with my mother that we could successfully meet that goal. No.

I just asked her a simple question about this weekend and she gets all defensive about something that doesn't even matter! I think we're finally getting to the point where my parents know they can't make all my decisions for me, but now they're just going to be mean about it. They're not just going to give their opinion and politely step back and wait to see what decision I make. They're going to defensively state their opinion and then breathe down my neck until I conform to their wishes. I can't keep doing that! For once...please, once, I want to make my up my own mind about something that doesn't even concern them!

I've come to terms that I wasn't raised the way I should have been raised and that I've been lied to for my entire existence by the two people that should never lie to me - my parents. They tell me to learn from their mistakes, not my own, but they won't admit to their mistakes! I find them out for myself and then whimper in my little corner until I can manage to forgive them for doing such a thing - and they don't even know I know! I'm forgiving two people that don't ask to be forgiven by their daughter because they don't even know enough about their daughter to realize that she's not stupid!

If they want me to be my own person then let me make a few decisions from time to time! Don't make me YOUR person. Let me make a mistake and let me live with the consequences of my mistake. Let me take a chance on something and if I don't like what I've done make ME turn around and try to correct what I've done. I understand parents want to shelter their kids from everything that's bad, but they have no right to tell me what to do in this situation when I know the truth. They can lie and deny it all they want, but I know, and I won't make the mistake they made, because I'm not that irresponsible! I'm smart enough to know to say no when I need to. And I'm smart enough to get myself out of something before I get too deep in trouble that I can't make it out.

They tell me to do all these things, and still I don't know what they want from me. I hurt knowing that somehow I've disappointed my parents, but I've only disappointed them by doing what they tell me. That may not make sense to you, but I understand full well. Hypocritical, that's what it is. They can shelter me from everything they want to shelter me from, but what kind of person does that make me? I feel useless, dumb, and sick because of everything I've been sheltered from. I come to college and I'm so unexperienced with so much that I can't fit in. They tell me to do this and do that, and I try, but I don't know how. They don't realize that they never taught me how to do the things I need to do to accomplish everything they wanted of me. I've failed trying to become what they wanted; I tried so hard and fell harder everytime because I missed the lessons. I missed the world. I missed every chance I could have taken to be something great, because I was spending all my time trying to figure out how to make it happen. I didn't - and still don't - take any chances. I'm too afraid that my next step will be the wrong one.

How can anybody live their life like that? Afraid to do anything because they don't want to fail? You have to fail at something to become good at something else. But I never found what I was good at because I was busy failing for my parents. I tried so damn hard, but I never knew what I was supposed to do and why.

This is one big circle. And how do I make it stop? I could turn a corner. Circles have no corners. What will my corner be?

Allergies, Colds, and Tummy Aches.

You all know I have terrible allergies this allergy season. But what you are about to find out is that I woke up this morning with a cold on top of my allergies! And furthermore...I have a tummy ache!
I went to Walmart today to get my paycheck and by my mom her birthday present. I stocked up on the Vicks vapor rub, and the Sudafed, and Kleenex. Bleh, it needs to freeze outside and soon!

Saturday after work I'm going back home to Wilcox to give mom her birthday present and see the family. Sunday morning I'm heading up to North Platte to see Shane for the day. It'll be great to see him, but it'll be even harder to say goodbye this time!

I have my night class tonight and I'm sure I'll fall asleep in it. I'm so tired today from all the head congestion and I probably won't have time for a nap. Oh well, class is nothing important haha.

Slowing Down.

The rush of the first week of school is slowing down finally. And we're all getting back into our rut of not being able to wake up with enough time to make yourself look decent for class. Those assignments we write down in the wrong notebook get forgotten until we're sitting in class. And we start noticing a slight stench of B.O. coming from each classroom as the end of summer gets hotter before it cools down.

Aw, such is the life of a college student. I'm excited that this is going to be my last semester here at UNK. Sure I'll be leaving behind teachers that I really like, friends that I've made, and friends that I've had forever. But it's time for this change. It's much welcomed.

Building up enough confidence to stand up to your parents and say "I'm leaving" and "I'm making this decision on my own" takes time and so much patience. Reflecting back to childhood you never thought you'd be making decisions like this, nor did you ever think you'd know how. But my time has come to break away and become the decision-making twenty year old that I need to be. I only hope that my parents understand and support me and don't become overwhelmingly upset with me that they don't want much to do with me anymore. I'm sure that latter won't happen to the highest degree, but something of that nature could happen.

I'm nervous to be leaving and starting something brand new in my life. I know Shane and I will be happy and whatever happens will work out. But there's always something saying "what if." In this case, that something is my mom. Sure it's wonderful to question and doubt sometimes. But then there's those times when you just have to do whatever it is you think to do! If you wait around your whole life not doing what you want because all those what ifs get in the way, you'll never do anything. You won't step up and meet that guy you've been looking for. You won't say yet if that guy asks you to marry him. You'll be too scared to move far away for a job that sounds amazing. You won't have kids because you'll never have enough money. All these things are things you just need to do. Only dwell on the what ifs if your plan is to talk yourself out of something. But if it's something you truly want to do, don't think, just do.

That's all I have to say right now. I have to go to class.

Wedding Dress.

I am happy to announce that I have found the wedding dress I want to have for my wedding. If I can't get this exact dress I want the one I do get to look similar to this one.

And I want the red on it like it shows up on the screen. Tell me what you think!

Wedding Dress.

Allergies Go Away.

My hayfever is killing me this year! My eyes hurt so bad I feel the only way to make them stop hurting is by gouging out my eyeballs and feeding them to my fish. That's not graphic at all.

My nose isn't just stuffy, it's completely blocked. There's a guard with a gun and everything. Nothing must come out! I'm sure my voice sound awful nasely but I can't help it!

Anyway, Shane called me at 6ish this morning. He started his job at 8ish this morning. He's training right now.

Last night I spent hours uploading all my Colorado pictures to MySpace and Facebook. You should check them out. They're pretty cool.

I don't remember if I said before, but I got Shane's blanket done. I'm excited that it's done - it looks really cool. I'm happy!

Well, I better go. I think I need to just lie down for awhile and hope my breathing returns to normal.

Work, Shane, and My Girls.

Work was alright tonight. My mind keeps telling me that I have to keep myself busy or else I'll start thinking too much about how I miss Shane. So at work I ran. I didn't stop the whole night except when I had to take a break for fifteen minutes (we have to) and I needed to file a nail down because it cracked. Ladieswear looked amazing when I left tonight.

I talked to Shane about an hour after work. He was kind of bored. And tired. And sun burned. He misses me and I miss him. What's new?

I went to Amanda's room tonight and Shelly and Trevor came over. We watched a little bit of a movie, made a chocolate run to Walmart, and then hung out and watched country music videos from 1997 and 1998 and sang along because we knew all of them. I really needed to hang out with the girls and Trevor. I needed to be away from things that remind me too much of Shane. It's not that I want to forget about Shane - it's not possible anyway - I just need to focus on other things so as not to break down crying.

Before I went to Amanda's I finished Shane's blanket. All I really need to do is to cut off all the strings, wrap it, and give it to him. I'm not going to wait until Christmas to give it to him like I had earlier planned. He'll get it next time I see him - but it'll still be considered a Christmas present. Of course, he'll still get more things from me, too!

I'm very happy right now. I miss Shane like crazy, but he's out there starting a new job and getting ready for us to settle down, eventually get married and have babies. I can't wait! All I've ever wanted in life was to be a loving wife with an amazing husband and have adorable babies! And my dream has been coming true since January. It's the best feeling in the world! Of course, to achieve any goal you must make sacrifices. And my sacrifice was being away from Shane for a few months. He sacrificed the same - only being away from me.

I love being happy. I hope you're all happy too!

Sundays and Homework.

It is Sunday. I woke later than I thought I should this morning. I slept in an extra hour and then laid in bed for another half and hour just contemplating life and death. Alright, actually I didn't much at all. Especially about life and death.

I did much of my homework this morning. I had a lot of reading to do. I'm an English major - what do you expect? Tonight after work I have to type up some notes I had to take for some of my reading to hand in on Tuesday. I don't get why we have to take notes and then hand them in. Don't you usually take notes to keep for your own personal use? Maybe it's just me, but it seems strange.

We don't have classes tomorrow due to the amazing Labor Day. I still have to work in the evening but it's only for four and a half hours. I think I can handle that. The campus is very empty this weekend. Everybody seems to have gone home for the weekend except me. That's okay - I like the quiet.

One request for everyone that reads my blog. Please send me your mailing address. And if you send it to me and then it changes, please keep me updated. If you don't want to give me your address through a comment here on my blog, email it to me at: kayleeallyn@gmail.com. Thank you!

Big Change.

Shane left this morning. He starts his job on Tuesday. I don't know when I'm going to get to see him again.

I feel really lost right now. Usually he's still at Wal-Mart working when I get off of work on Saturdays. And today he wasn't there. I called him and he didn't answer - bad reception probably.

It's that hollow feeling you get when something you're so used to changes suddenly.

I sit here thinking I should have looked into his eyes two minutes longer this morning before saying goodbye. I wish I would have hugged him tighter and said I love you once more.

Yes, I'll see him again. And yes, I'll talk to him everyday. But this is so hard. And I hope that no one will ever have to feel this way. And if you have, I pray you never have to feel it again.

I don't know if I should find something to do to get my mind off of being sad, or if it's better to just sit here and think. I don't really feel like doing anything, but I have much homework this weekend. And it's all reading. I can't concentrate on a text book on a normal day. And this isn't a normal day. I'd probably end up tearing the pages into pieces and not realize it.

I really want to call a friend and see if they want to do something. I know Sarena and Dan are free this afternoon. Reason-not-to One: I really do need to try and do some homework. Reason-not-to Two: The last time I hung out with Sarena and Dan Shane was there with me and that'll make me sad. And also I would probably get jealous of Sarena because she can be with Dan. Reason-not-to Three: I don't think I can move all that much. It took a lot to actually do work today at Wal-Mart; and I had to do a lot today.

I know my friends are around and supportive and they love me. But I don't want to be the party-pooper, in a sense. I don't want to doubt myself and start feeling like they're hanging out with me out of sympathy.

I'm scared to listen to music in fear that any song will make me think of Shane and I'll start to cry.

And I'm scared to turn on the television to my favorite channels because my favorites are also Shane's favorites and we watched our favorite shows together.

I don't want to take a nap because Shane laid on my bed.

And I really don't want to think because when I do I think about Shane first of all and I become more sad.

Okay, I'm done writing this feeling-sorry-for-myself blog. I'm going to eat something because I haven't all day, and I'm going to try and do some homework, and then, depending on the time, I'm going to find something else to keep me entertained. Maybe I'll go to Hastings and rent a movie Shane doesn't like.

Love.