Just As I Thought...

Well, I finished reading two books today. That's how un-exciting my life was today.

I passed all my classes this semester - finally got all my grades back. Parents really don't seem to care. They say "good job" but that's it and they don't even sound too happy about it. Lately I've really been considering quitting school and working full-time at Wal*Mart even though that would surely be the death of me.

My new fishie Bubs is aggressive yet surprisingly timid. He's paradoxical just as I.

Something really hasn't been "right" between Shane and myself for the last couple of days. I don't know - it's not like we're "growing apart" or we're getting too used to each other, it's just...I think it's because we're not constantly in each other's line of sight as of late. He's in Axtell and I'm in Wilcox and gas is expensive and life is going crazy. And most of that has nothing to do with anything save for my mind's troubled rants. Monday when Shane came over I got angry and frustrated for a reason that is probably still unknown to him. I didn't know how to talk to him about it, and now it's over and we finished the day like there was something wrong but we didn't care. Then today, right now, I'm a little upset because I told him at noon when I called him that if he wants to give me a call anytime today he can. And he didn't. Sure I had woken him up when I called to tell him that, but I just feel like he would have wanted to call me anyway. I just called him a couple minutes ago and he was playing his video game that I gave him for his birthday. I'm glad he likes playing it, but our "conversation", if you could call it that, was being staggered by swords clinking and his one-track mind reverting back to his game after I tell him something that is actually, in my mind, kind of impressive. Sure, anyone could have done what I accomplished today, but I was proud of myself and I had no one to share it with except my loving boyfriend who over-appreciates his birthday present. I dismissed myself from the call and started typing. Probably a bad action on my part, he's going to read this and say that I should have just talked to him about it. Well, of course I should have! But I can't seem to compete with my own given gift.

Just to note, this is not an angry blog. This is a Kaylee's-getting-her-feelings-out blog. Otherwise, I don't have anyone to talk to.

Gas prices are going up again and faster than they did last summer. It's sick the way they raise gas prices even though our dollar has hardly any value anymore. Why don't we just go back to the good old bartering days - I'll give you three eggs for a tank of gas, sir. Damn anyone who tries to make this world better by raising prices.

I might be bitter right now. But about what, I do not know. Nor do I care to know. I just know that I might be bitter and that it probably won't subside until tomorrow morning when I wake up. Then of course I will have to leave for work and all my troubles will come flooding back and I will return home tomorrow night with a headache and bad case of I Hate The World. But I really don't. But I will just for the night. Tomorrow night when I relieve myself of the apparently hard job we have in Softlines, Kathy. That job that it so overwhelming that you can stand there for 40 minutes talking with people while NOT doing your job. Or have you forgotten, Kathy, that there are other people in this world too? Do you know that Sunday I was close to quitting MY job because you weren't doing YOUR job? That's right, Kathy. Sweet Kathy that everyone likes. I worked the jobs of 3 people on Sunday for five hours while you did the job of a sloth at the zoo for 4 hours and yet we both got paid - relatively the same amount as well.

Right now I am torn between wanting to just suck up all this bitterness and dislike for some people and things and just deal with it like nothing has ever gone wrong in my life or wanting to unleash these pent up emotions to the people and things that have put said emotions in my life. I could go around being a sweet emotionless girl for the rest of my life if I wished, but I am also completely capable of being the girl that no one wants to know because she wears every one of her emotions and feelings and thoughts on her sleeve - some people just don't want to know the truth. I know part of the truth. I know the world is cruel and that people lie. I've lied. I've learned from experience that anyone is capable of being hurt and everyone is more than capable of hurting someone else. And I've also learned that no matter how hard you try to please everyone you come into contact with, somewhere along the way you will unintentionally hurt someone and it's usually the one person you never want to hurt, even if it costs you everything.

Today was mom and dad's twentieth anniversary. They're happy. At least that's what I can assume from living with them for twenty years.

I think I'm done typing for now. I apologize that this post had no turn of events, no climax, not even a resolution, or a well-written epilogue. Maybe someday people will be able to read those in some book that I write. If I ever get around to writing one. A good one. Not a sappy, life is always great, the world is peaceful kind of book. But a book written with true emotion and just plain Truth. (Capitalized for emphasis. Some writers do that, ya know.)