New Work.

Tonight was my second night of work at Apple Market. I'm really liking it there. The girls are fun to talk to and a few of the sackers are fun, too. Checking of course isn't that hard. I checked for almost 5 hours straight tonight so I got pretty used to the registers. I have to work tomorrow 10-2. It's my last day of training. All I have to do is check while Shelly watches me and makes sure I do alright. Easy.

After work I'm getting my oil changed - and my oil filter - and a bunch of other fluids. And...then...I'm heading to North Platte to see Shane! Yay! I'll stay until Sunday around noon. I have to get back by three that afternoon 'cause I have to work again. That's alright though. I don't want to spoil myself and Shane too much. Ha.

We're reading Frankenstein for my Reading & Writing About Literature class. I've read most of it before - clear back in high school. I didn't like it back then. Maybe my mind has matured or something because I'm enjoying it this time. It just takes a while to read, there's a lot of words and a lot of details you have to pick up on in such short chapters. But it's good, and that makes me happy.

I better get to bed soon. Or I might not wake up for work tomorrow. And we don't want that.

To all: A great weekend!

Last Paycheck.

This morning I went to Walmart and picked up my very last paycheck from that place that I don't like to be. Yay!

I started training at Apple Market yesterday. I think I'm really going to like working there. Not only does my best friend Shelly work there, buuut...it's so much better a work environment that Walmart is! Sure, there's the cranky customers and the cranky workers, but you have to multiply that by 20 to get the total crankiness ratio from Apple Market to Walmart.

Tonight is my poetry night-class. I hope tonight goes better than the other nights. After this class time though we will only have 12 more poetry classes this semester! It's only one night a week, so I just have to count down weeks. It's fun to do - once we get down to 9 weeks left, I'm going to overly thrilled!

I better go and read Frankenstein - It's actually not too bad of a book.

To all: A wonderful Thursday.

Ninety-second.

I was just rereading and updating my other two blogs I have online.

On one of those blogs in particular I posted a new updating blog that I felt I should link you to. I'm sure you all know everything that is in the blog, but I feel it is very well written and it would be a shame to not at least direct you to it. Now, you don't have to feel obligated to open the link. But I felt I must give you the chance, at least.

Oh, Just Randomness.

There. My job is done; but I will keep typing.

Tonight I went to a movie for my film class. Holiday starring Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant. It was a very good movie and I want to watch it again. In fact, I want to own it. I told Shane that it would make a very good Christmas or birthday present if he felt like getting me something. Ha, I think I'll probably get it.

I feel accomplished tonight. I went to both of my classes, lunch, and the movie for my film class. I ate supper alone (that should feel sad, but ironically it felt good.) I went to WalMart after the movie and bought only necessities: bottled water, breakfast bars, Kleenex, and trash bags. No splurging for this girl tonight. When back in my room, I cleaned Bubs's bowl and now he can see out and I can see in. After doing the much needed bowl-cleaning I cleaned my bathroom counters and the sink and washed my dishes which called for another sink-cleaning when I finished. I have tomorrow planned out well enough to call it good and I feel alright. I guess there's always a little something to be said for organization and wise time-usage.

And now that I have used up enough cyber-paper on this blog I will use some before-bed freetime to enjoy a little television, a little teeth-brushing, and finally and little relaxing bed-laying.

To all: A good-night.

Mondays?

I had a stupid moment this morning. You're not going to know what I did.

Class was boring today, as will be my Grammar class that I have to leave for in ten to fifteen minutes.

My dreams were really odd last night. I don't think I could begin to explain them!

I start working at AppleMarket on Wednesday. I'm pretty excited because I get to be trained by Shelly! Yay!

Lately, I've been very tired, and no matter how much I sleep I just can't shake it. Maybe tonight I'll go to bed as early as I possibly can! Yeah right.

Good and Bad.

So, Shannon to answer your question. Yes, something happened but I had also been planning on leaving soon. And actually...I already have a job! I went to take in my application to Apple Market where my friend Shelly works, and they gave me an interview right then! So I think I'm going to be starting next week sometime! I'm excited!

However, there was a downside of the day. Well, let me start at the beginning. This afternoon I went to Pet Kingdom to look at the fish. There are some really pretty ones that I want to get. But I had to go to Walmart first to get a small one-gallon aquarium. Shelly, Mandy and I went to Walmart and bought the little aquarium this evening. And after we got back we went for a walk. After the walk I came back to my room to set up the aquarium so it was ready for me to bring a new fishie home tomorrow afternoon. Well...I was going to say hi to my other two fishies. And I discovered that Stewie, the comet goldfish, was dead. I'm okay, I didn't cry or anything! But I've had him for awhile, a long time for a goldfish in my possession at least. We had a funeral and I'm asking everyone to take a moment of silence for Stewie tomorrow, Thursday the 13th, at 1:45pm central time. I'd really appreciate it. And I'm sure he would appreciate it on his way to Fishie Heaven, which coincidentally, is also People Heaven! Yay!

Have a good night, day, and other. Loves.

This Is How It Goes.

Yesterday I quit working at Wal-Mart.

Today I went to class and did homework.

Tomorrow I will go to class and take my applications to the stores I applied at.

Thursday I will go to my two classes.

Friday is undecided.

And that is how it goes.

A Wonderful Weekend!

This wonderful weekend brought to in part by The Kaylee Loves Shane Foundation.
...and also by...
Viewers Like You.

Uhm...

Anyway - Saturday after I got off of work I went back home for a few hours (long that I'd wanted) to see the family. I was hoping to get on the road to North Platte around 6:30 - well, that turned into 8 because of set-backs caused by none other than, Dad. That's okay - that's over now.

Well, I got into Sutherland a little after 10pm and hung out with Shane. We eventually went to bed 'cause I was tired, and he was too. All night he was doing some weird walking-and-talking in his sleep and for most of the night he was sleeping in the living room on the couch instead of in the bedroom with me...that's alright.

Today we woke up and had breakfast/lunch with his aunt and uncle. Then the four of us drove around Sutherland looking at houses for sale or rent. We didn't see anything we really liked - or that was in our price range. Later, after the Broncos game (they won) Shane and I went into North Platte to hang out. We spent the majority of our time in Wal-Mart; don't we always? We drove around some carlots and he showed me around town. We ate at Whiskey Creek and headed back to Sutherland so I could get headed back to Kearney.

The drive back was okay. Lonely, after having been with Shane all day. Traffic was traffic. It rained for probably an hour out of the two hours I was on the road. It was a nice rain - I barely had to use my wipers. I listened to good music and sang all the way back.

Oh, I forgot to mention! Last February (2006) on Valentine's day I sprained my left ankle. Well, it never really healed all the way. And just Saturday at work it really started hurting again. I think I must have twisted it or turned on it weird. It was hurting so bad today that we had to go to Wal-Mart a second time to get a brace for my ankle. With the brace on, it feels much better, but I can still feel where the tendon is just not right.

Anyway, that was my wonderful weekend. Brought to you by the letter W, and the number 3!

Adult Speaking.

I am twenty years old, yes? You would think by now if I would try to have an adult conversation with my mother that we could successfully meet that goal. No.

I just asked her a simple question about this weekend and she gets all defensive about something that doesn't even matter! I think we're finally getting to the point where my parents know they can't make all my decisions for me, but now they're just going to be mean about it. They're not just going to give their opinion and politely step back and wait to see what decision I make. They're going to defensively state their opinion and then breathe down my neck until I conform to their wishes. I can't keep doing that! For once...please, once, I want to make my up my own mind about something that doesn't even concern them!

I've come to terms that I wasn't raised the way I should have been raised and that I've been lied to for my entire existence by the two people that should never lie to me - my parents. They tell me to learn from their mistakes, not my own, but they won't admit to their mistakes! I find them out for myself and then whimper in my little corner until I can manage to forgive them for doing such a thing - and they don't even know I know! I'm forgiving two people that don't ask to be forgiven by their daughter because they don't even know enough about their daughter to realize that she's not stupid!

If they want me to be my own person then let me make a few decisions from time to time! Don't make me YOUR person. Let me make a mistake and let me live with the consequences of my mistake. Let me take a chance on something and if I don't like what I've done make ME turn around and try to correct what I've done. I understand parents want to shelter their kids from everything that's bad, but they have no right to tell me what to do in this situation when I know the truth. They can lie and deny it all they want, but I know, and I won't make the mistake they made, because I'm not that irresponsible! I'm smart enough to know to say no when I need to. And I'm smart enough to get myself out of something before I get too deep in trouble that I can't make it out.

They tell me to do all these things, and still I don't know what they want from me. I hurt knowing that somehow I've disappointed my parents, but I've only disappointed them by doing what they tell me. That may not make sense to you, but I understand full well. Hypocritical, that's what it is. They can shelter me from everything they want to shelter me from, but what kind of person does that make me? I feel useless, dumb, and sick because of everything I've been sheltered from. I come to college and I'm so unexperienced with so much that I can't fit in. They tell me to do this and do that, and I try, but I don't know how. They don't realize that they never taught me how to do the things I need to do to accomplish everything they wanted of me. I've failed trying to become what they wanted; I tried so hard and fell harder everytime because I missed the lessons. I missed the world. I missed every chance I could have taken to be something great, because I was spending all my time trying to figure out how to make it happen. I didn't - and still don't - take any chances. I'm too afraid that my next step will be the wrong one.

How can anybody live their life like that? Afraid to do anything because they don't want to fail? You have to fail at something to become good at something else. But I never found what I was good at because I was busy failing for my parents. I tried so damn hard, but I never knew what I was supposed to do and why.

This is one big circle. And how do I make it stop? I could turn a corner. Circles have no corners. What will my corner be?

Allergies, Colds, and Tummy Aches.

You all know I have terrible allergies this allergy season. But what you are about to find out is that I woke up this morning with a cold on top of my allergies! And furthermore...I have a tummy ache!
I went to Walmart today to get my paycheck and by my mom her birthday present. I stocked up on the Vicks vapor rub, and the Sudafed, and Kleenex. Bleh, it needs to freeze outside and soon!

Saturday after work I'm going back home to Wilcox to give mom her birthday present and see the family. Sunday morning I'm heading up to North Platte to see Shane for the day. It'll be great to see him, but it'll be even harder to say goodbye this time!

I have my night class tonight and I'm sure I'll fall asleep in it. I'm so tired today from all the head congestion and I probably won't have time for a nap. Oh well, class is nothing important haha.

Slowing Down.

The rush of the first week of school is slowing down finally. And we're all getting back into our rut of not being able to wake up with enough time to make yourself look decent for class. Those assignments we write down in the wrong notebook get forgotten until we're sitting in class. And we start noticing a slight stench of B.O. coming from each classroom as the end of summer gets hotter before it cools down.

Aw, such is the life of a college student. I'm excited that this is going to be my last semester here at UNK. Sure I'll be leaving behind teachers that I really like, friends that I've made, and friends that I've had forever. But it's time for this change. It's much welcomed.

Building up enough confidence to stand up to your parents and say "I'm leaving" and "I'm making this decision on my own" takes time and so much patience. Reflecting back to childhood you never thought you'd be making decisions like this, nor did you ever think you'd know how. But my time has come to break away and become the decision-making twenty year old that I need to be. I only hope that my parents understand and support me and don't become overwhelmingly upset with me that they don't want much to do with me anymore. I'm sure that latter won't happen to the highest degree, but something of that nature could happen.

I'm nervous to be leaving and starting something brand new in my life. I know Shane and I will be happy and whatever happens will work out. But there's always something saying "what if." In this case, that something is my mom. Sure it's wonderful to question and doubt sometimes. But then there's those times when you just have to do whatever it is you think to do! If you wait around your whole life not doing what you want because all those what ifs get in the way, you'll never do anything. You won't step up and meet that guy you've been looking for. You won't say yet if that guy asks you to marry him. You'll be too scared to move far away for a job that sounds amazing. You won't have kids because you'll never have enough money. All these things are things you just need to do. Only dwell on the what ifs if your plan is to talk yourself out of something. But if it's something you truly want to do, don't think, just do.

That's all I have to say right now. I have to go to class.

Wedding Dress.

I am happy to announce that I have found the wedding dress I want to have for my wedding. If I can't get this exact dress I want the one I do get to look similar to this one.

And I want the red on it like it shows up on the screen. Tell me what you think!

Wedding Dress.

Allergies Go Away.

My hayfever is killing me this year! My eyes hurt so bad I feel the only way to make them stop hurting is by gouging out my eyeballs and feeding them to my fish. That's not graphic at all.

My nose isn't just stuffy, it's completely blocked. There's a guard with a gun and everything. Nothing must come out! I'm sure my voice sound awful nasely but I can't help it!

Anyway, Shane called me at 6ish this morning. He started his job at 8ish this morning. He's training right now.

Last night I spent hours uploading all my Colorado pictures to MySpace and Facebook. You should check them out. They're pretty cool.

I don't remember if I said before, but I got Shane's blanket done. I'm excited that it's done - it looks really cool. I'm happy!

Well, I better go. I think I need to just lie down for awhile and hope my breathing returns to normal.

Work, Shane, and My Girls.

Work was alright tonight. My mind keeps telling me that I have to keep myself busy or else I'll start thinking too much about how I miss Shane. So at work I ran. I didn't stop the whole night except when I had to take a break for fifteen minutes (we have to) and I needed to file a nail down because it cracked. Ladieswear looked amazing when I left tonight.

I talked to Shane about an hour after work. He was kind of bored. And tired. And sun burned. He misses me and I miss him. What's new?

I went to Amanda's room tonight and Shelly and Trevor came over. We watched a little bit of a movie, made a chocolate run to Walmart, and then hung out and watched country music videos from 1997 and 1998 and sang along because we knew all of them. I really needed to hang out with the girls and Trevor. I needed to be away from things that remind me too much of Shane. It's not that I want to forget about Shane - it's not possible anyway - I just need to focus on other things so as not to break down crying.

Before I went to Amanda's I finished Shane's blanket. All I really need to do is to cut off all the strings, wrap it, and give it to him. I'm not going to wait until Christmas to give it to him like I had earlier planned. He'll get it next time I see him - but it'll still be considered a Christmas present. Of course, he'll still get more things from me, too!

I'm very happy right now. I miss Shane like crazy, but he's out there starting a new job and getting ready for us to settle down, eventually get married and have babies. I can't wait! All I've ever wanted in life was to be a loving wife with an amazing husband and have adorable babies! And my dream has been coming true since January. It's the best feeling in the world! Of course, to achieve any goal you must make sacrifices. And my sacrifice was being away from Shane for a few months. He sacrificed the same - only being away from me.

I love being happy. I hope you're all happy too!

Sundays and Homework.

It is Sunday. I woke later than I thought I should this morning. I slept in an extra hour and then laid in bed for another half and hour just contemplating life and death. Alright, actually I didn't much at all. Especially about life and death.

I did much of my homework this morning. I had a lot of reading to do. I'm an English major - what do you expect? Tonight after work I have to type up some notes I had to take for some of my reading to hand in on Tuesday. I don't get why we have to take notes and then hand them in. Don't you usually take notes to keep for your own personal use? Maybe it's just me, but it seems strange.

We don't have classes tomorrow due to the amazing Labor Day. I still have to work in the evening but it's only for four and a half hours. I think I can handle that. The campus is very empty this weekend. Everybody seems to have gone home for the weekend except me. That's okay - I like the quiet.

One request for everyone that reads my blog. Please send me your mailing address. And if you send it to me and then it changes, please keep me updated. If you don't want to give me your address through a comment here on my blog, email it to me at: kayleeallyn@gmail.com. Thank you!

Big Change.

Shane left this morning. He starts his job on Tuesday. I don't know when I'm going to get to see him again.

I feel really lost right now. Usually he's still at Wal-Mart working when I get off of work on Saturdays. And today he wasn't there. I called him and he didn't answer - bad reception probably.

It's that hollow feeling you get when something you're so used to changes suddenly.

I sit here thinking I should have looked into his eyes two minutes longer this morning before saying goodbye. I wish I would have hugged him tighter and said I love you once more.

Yes, I'll see him again. And yes, I'll talk to him everyday. But this is so hard. And I hope that no one will ever have to feel this way. And if you have, I pray you never have to feel it again.

I don't know if I should find something to do to get my mind off of being sad, or if it's better to just sit here and think. I don't really feel like doing anything, but I have much homework this weekend. And it's all reading. I can't concentrate on a text book on a normal day. And this isn't a normal day. I'd probably end up tearing the pages into pieces and not realize it.

I really want to call a friend and see if they want to do something. I know Sarena and Dan are free this afternoon. Reason-not-to One: I really do need to try and do some homework. Reason-not-to Two: The last time I hung out with Sarena and Dan Shane was there with me and that'll make me sad. And also I would probably get jealous of Sarena because she can be with Dan. Reason-not-to Three: I don't think I can move all that much. It took a lot to actually do work today at Wal-Mart; and I had to do a lot today.

I know my friends are around and supportive and they love me. But I don't want to be the party-pooper, in a sense. I don't want to doubt myself and start feeling like they're hanging out with me out of sympathy.

I'm scared to listen to music in fear that any song will make me think of Shane and I'll start to cry.

And I'm scared to turn on the television to my favorite channels because my favorites are also Shane's favorites and we watched our favorite shows together.

I don't want to take a nap because Shane laid on my bed.

And I really don't want to think because when I do I think about Shane first of all and I become more sad.

Okay, I'm done writing this feeling-sorry-for-myself blog. I'm going to eat something because I haven't all day, and I'm going to try and do some homework, and then, depending on the time, I'm going to find something else to keep me entertained. Maybe I'll go to Hastings and rent a movie Shane doesn't like.

Love.

A Question.

How do you get your parents to listen to you? I'm sure I've tried pretty much everything except the attempted suicide thing - and I would NEVER try that.

And how do you get your parents to let you make your own decisions? They just won't let me do it.

And how can you trust your parents to help you make the right decisions when they tell you straight-out that they wish they would have made different decisions when they were younger.

If your mom tells you that you should stay in college and get a degree so you can be your own person, and say I do what she says, doesn't that make me the person she wants me to be?

When it comes down to it should I just do what I want and not even run it by them first?

If I always do what they say will they always have that power over me?

Are they doing this because they don't want to lose their baby girl? Or are they doing it because they like the power parents supposedly have?

Those are some questions.

As you can tell I'm having some issues with my parents. This is the first time I've had problems with them like this - it's never been this bad. But I'm getting sick of them trying to control every aspect of my life, sure I value their opinion and agree with them about certain things. But they can't tell me to do whatever they want whenever they want me to do it. I need to be my own person and make my own decisions and if that means making my own mistakes and learning from them, fine. I'd rather be mad at myself for choosing to do something then be mad at them for making me do something I didn't want to do.

If you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Love.

And Away...!

I only have one class today. Film As Literature. It should be fun. Shelly might be taking that class so that'll make it better no matter what the class is like.

So, I'm not dropping Spanish. But I'm going to be struggling through it all semester.

It's hot again today. It was only supposed to get up to 85 and it was supposed to rain. Either happened. It's probably 90ish degrees and just humid.

After class today Shane and I are going to hang out and then this evening I think we're going to do something with Dan and Sarena.

How is life for everyone else?

School Days...

I'm dropping Spanish. I just can't do it. And don't tell me that I can - because I'll poke you in the eye. I haven't had any Spanish classes since my Sophomore year in high school and this is my third year of college - it's been awhile.

If I start taking classes at a community college when I move in with Shane I'll take a foreign language then - and I'll hope it isn't has hard. Either way, it's Spanish - I'm not good with foreign languages - especially I'm not around them enough. Sure there's lots of Spanish speaking student at UNK, but I don't have any classes with them and I really don't hang out with people outside of work and my three girls.

I don't know - it stinks. I have nothing against the Spanish language - I just have a lot against me learning it when I'm not going to need it for writing a novel and raising my children. *shrugs*

The rest of my classes went well today. Reading and Writing About Lit is going to be different but it'll be fine. Grammar will be fun - I like the teacher.

Anyway...I'm going to lay down and drink a nice cold soda before I have to go to work.

And I apologize for being away from my blog for so long. But I'm back now and that's all that matters.

I hope everyone has a great day!!!

It's Monday.

Classes start today here at good ol' UNK. Am I excited? I guess one could answer that question with a simple NO. My first class this semester is Spanish. My friend Amanda is in that class with me, so we can do our homework together. Blah, I'm nervous about this class. Today I also have Reading & Writing about Liturature - shouldn't be too bad. And after lunch I have Grammar. Ah, to be an English major.

Tomorrow I only have one class and that is Film as Literature. Thursdays I have that class and my night class which is Advanced Poetry. We'll see how that goes.

After this semester I am moving. I will be withdrawing from UNK and moving in with Shane in North Platte. He starts working for the railroad on the third of September and the next four months are going to be terrible not being able to see him. Since January I've basically seen Shane everyday and very abruptly that will change come next Sunday. Of course we'll get to see each other every once in a while during those four months, but it'll still be very hard. At least I'll have plenty of homework and hours at Walmart to keep me busy.

I'm in the same room I had last semester. In Martin Hall. I have no roommate according to my request. It's nice. Amanda and Kasi still live on campus in the new building - it's nice. And Shelly lives off but close to campus so I can see her a lot! This is very good as I will need a lot of friends around me until January when I move.

My allergies are extra bad this year I think. They sure are kicking my butt at least. I hope it cools down soon - weather wise - 'cause then pollen will go bye bye! And Kaylee will be happy happy!

Anyway...gotta make my bed and head to class. Bleh, wish me luck.

Good Day.

To start off: for the last three or so weeks I have found myself in a state of (self-titled) surface depression. I guess that sort of explains itself, right? Like, I'm not completely depressed to the point I'm suffocating on my own self-loathing. I'm just sad. A lot. And upset. And I can't seem to find much that makes me real happy.

Shane makes me happy. A lot. Basically all the time, but who's keeping track? And I feel bad because sometimes I don't show how happy I am to be with him because I'm letting so much else weigh me down. Work. Upcoming school. Work some more. Family stuff. My own faults. Money. Life. Religion. Or lack there of. I don't know. This last three weeks have been bad and I'm sorry to any people I've hurt, made upset, or haven't seem to notice because of my own bad days.

However. Today. Was. Good. Last night I promised Shane that I would eventually find a day that I was completely happy the entire day. Today wasn't quite that day. But it was pretty darn close. The morning started off pretty rocky, but as the day progressed I felt much better. Shane and I had a fun time hanging out at my house. I baked a cake and we watched Star Wars Episode II. Great movie. He had to leave early to go to North Platte for his interview that is tomorrow morning.

Mom's Family Night Dress Rehearsal of Always...Patsy Cline was tonight. Taylor and I went and picked up Grandma and drove to the Opera House to see it. It was wonderful! Mom is so talented and amazing!! Dad met us there. He thought it was awesome, too.

I've stopped singing for reasons that only I can really understand - I think - but after tonight having seen Mom up on the stage singing and acting her heart out I really want to start singing again. But I just don't know how to go about doing that without getting taken advantage of. And anymore it's hard to find anyone else that will care the smallest bit about you if you can't play an instrument yourself. Who cares if you can sing? Why don't you learn to play the guitar? I just don't know what to do about it. I need help, but again, I wouldn't know where to start looking for it.

Anyway - that was my random blog of the evening.

Fear No Longer!

I am back! I really wasn't anywhere...but I know, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. My apologies.

Summer is going alright - still working at Wal-Mart. It's not that bad. I guess.

Shane and I are still getting married, if you were wondering. We're very excited. We're also very excited because he might be getting the job he really wants to get! If he gets the job he'll be moving, that part is sad, BUT after this fall semester I might be taking a semester off of school or just quit school for the time being and go up to live with him. That's the exciting part.

I have a hamster - I don't remember if I posted about that. Her name is Betty. I'm thinking about getting rid of her. If you know of anyone who wants a hamster and wants to spend around 30 dollars for her, the cage, and all the other stuff, please let me know.

Uhm...Bubs is somehow still alive.

In August I might be - hopefully - going on vacation with Shane and his family. It'll be fun.

School starts on August 20th. Not that exciting. *shrugs*

Anyway - that's uh-ma-blahg. I hope you enjoi'dit.

Work and the People that Make it Hard.

So we all know that I work at Walmart, right? Yeah. So it's been getting awfully hard to work there as of late.

There's one girl that just doesn't show up when she's scheduled and doesn't call in to let us know she won't be there. So other people end up having to put away her freight and her returns so they can't be in their departments when they're supposed to be. On the same note, because we're short this person, we have less people to cover breaks and help check - so we become even fewer on the floor!

Then we have this other lady that thinks that the world is out to get her, or something. When she works she only works four hour shifts. On weekends, we are very busy, especially when we're under-staffed (every weekend) and she thinks that nobody is doing their jobs in the morning so she has to do EVERYTHING when she gets there at 4 in the afternoon.

Then we have a manager that is 100% hypocritical. She tells us she wants all our freight carts off the floor as fast as we can and gives us this list of stuff to finish over the weekend and then doesn't back us up when we're called up to help check! We can't finish anything she wants us to because she makes us go up front and then she gets mad at us for not getting her stuff done! She's partially in trouble for not scheduling enough people on the weekends, but that doesn't mean anything because she's a manager.

Then there are the people that work in softlines that actually do their jobs. Sarena, Linda, Sarah, & Annelle (out of the few people I work with/excluding most day people.) We try our hardest to get everything put away and zoned and cleaned - all while we're trying to help customers and help the front end because there's a major lack of cashiers lately. We can't do everything - each of us is not 3 people with 4 hands each. Sorry we're not perfect, Walmart.

I try to stay out of all the arguments as much as I can. I'll admit - I will take a side, but I won't fight anyone's battles for them and I try my hardest to keep on everyone's goodside just to keep things running semi-smoothly. It doesn't work. Ever. Just tonight I was turned into management for not working all day today by the second lady I mentioned. Just because Sarena and I were working together, and she and Sarena don't get along, I have to be drug into it. I've never started any battles or arguments with anyone. Like I said - I try to just stay out of people's way and try to be as friendly as I can be, especially to those associates that think I hate them. Of course, we can't always be in wonderful, happy, bunny rabbits and rainbows, moods - but when I am, I'm still trying to be pleasant, in some sense. But there was no reason I had to get turned into management today - AFTER I WAS OFF THE CLOCK AND OUT OF THE STORE, even! This lady, heck, her name is Kathy...Kathy is not there in the mornings and early afternoons on Saturdays and Sundays - when the store is at it's busiest. It's extremely hard to get everything done when there's a shortage of associates on the floor. She just needs to stop whining and do her job. There's been times I could have turned her into management (and a couple times I did) - but it was for actual reasons and while she was still there so they could talk to her and do something about it. But it was never because I THOUGHT she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing - it was because I KNEW that she wasn't. It's a big difference. She has no idea how hard it is to work at Walmart when it's really busy trying to get everything done JUST so she doesn't come in and bitch and moan about it all night! Really, I've started working for her frickin' happiness! not the store. It's all 'well Kathy's going to be mad about that...' and 'ooo better get that done before Kathy gets here' - and she's not even higher ranking than the rest of us! She's only been there a couple months longer than I!

Sorry, I'm ranting - and doing a very poor job at it. This probably makes no sense - and you've probably read it all to this point and are getting very bored and upset. I'm sorry, you can stop reading - but I'm probably going to keep ranting a bit longer...

I'm getting real close to either quitting Walmart altogether or trying to transfer to another department - I just can't deal with all this bickering and other crap that all centers around the fitting room and all the softlines departments! I don't know we all (get ready for it...) can't get along! It's ridiculous and I'm fed up with it. If I go to management about anything it'll be about how I can't stand working in that department because I try to do my job and I can't because everyone is complaining about somebody else and vice versa -

Ya know, I just remembered...I left Kathy a note today before I left and she came in saying that I was sorry that there was so much left to be done in ladieswear - and I explained to her WHY there was so much left. Why the heck did she not believe me!? I was being honest with her, unlike some other people, and I get frickin' turned in. If I get in trouble with management about this...I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to have to quit, it's good money and I need it - and I really wouldn't mind the job if everyone could just cool it! And I don't want to have to transfer to another department because that would be more training and possibly a pay-reduction depending on where I transfer. I don't know...I'm just sick of it all. And no one seems to be making an effort to quit all the fighting.

Some people just cannot understand other things and they don't try to understand them either. I know how if feels to come in to work on a Saturday evening and having more-than-normal-amounts of work to do because either the morning person just didn't get it done or there just wasn't anyone there in the morning! Kathy has never had to work a morning on Saturday or Sunday (to the best of my knowledge...) She has no idea how it is. I deal with it. And if I can't get everything done I apologize to whomever deserves the apology and go on with whatever I need to. There is only so much I can do if there's no one there to help. If Kathy doesn't start understanding, or at least try to start understanding, maybe she should just quit. She's been talking how she doesn't like this job anyway. Well, then why stay? And why bicker about things you obviously cannot change at work? I don't know.

I hope you all know this is basically a personal rant because I have no one to talk to about it right now.

I'm just so frustrated. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my job or be forced to quit or transfer. Especially over something as petty as this. I try, other people try, thus far, Kathy has not tried. She doesn't understand and she doesn't deal. We do both.

I'm done now - I think. I hope I can get sleep tonight.

Oo, and I just thought...tomorrow afternoon I come in only an hour before she does - there probably won't be anyone to do my freight and returns in the morning...so she's going to be mad at me again for some reason - well gee, maybe I should just go in to work at five in the morning and make everything beautiful for Kathy! And while I'm at it, I'll wash her car and vacuum her living room or something. If she gets crazy tomorrow afternoon I'm just going to volunteer myself to go up front and check all night so she has to learn to deal by herself.

The End. Good Night. I Hope.

Actually: A good Myspace Bulletin.

Yeah, I got this from Myspace. A friend of mine posted it. It's great.

The Sad Passing of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Short-winded Book Review for a rather Long-winded Book.

Mary McGarry Morris wrote a book. She wrote a book that took a long time to read. This book that she wrote was called "Songs In Ordinary Time." It was a long-winded book written by a long-winded author that takes a long time to explain a very simple story. I don't know, it was a good book, if you like very long drawn-out, semi-boring stories. I really don't, but some of you out there might. It was a story of a not-so-well-off family that's trying to make it. Ex-hubby and daddy is an alcoholic ruining everyone's lives and mommy is a stressed out, under-paid, trying-to-make-ends-meet woman that needs attention and when she gets any attention from her three children she ends up screaming at them. Mommy meets a strange guy that turns out to be a quick-handed traveling salesman and an aspiring murderer.

On a scale of one to ten, one being the crappiest book I've ever read, I would give this book a 5 on execution of the story, 4 on length, 7 on character development, and a measly 2 on the conclusion. It was pretty weak and didn't make me feel any emotion other than Thank God this book is done so I can start a new one. I have to say, in parts I did enjoy reading it and became captivated at times making me read for a few hours straight. But the length of the book was unnecessary. I don't know if Ms. Morris always writes so long-windedly, or if she was given seven hundred and forty pages and told to have fun. It beats me.

I don't recommend this book to you. I hate to admit it, but...this book was one of Oprah's Book Club books. It was the only book in the house that I hadn't read...give me a break.

More book reviews to come.

Miss Betty Josephine.

I have, yet, another new baby.

Miss Betty Josephine is my black (with a white tummy) Fancy hamster that I got today. She's adorable! She's listening to me type right now - she must like the sound.

Shane has two new babies, too! Creep and Spaz the crazy gerbils. He got them on Thursday. They're cute!

Miss Betty was named after the old cartoon character, Betty Boop. She was my favorite cartoon character when I was little. I used to call her Boopy when I was real little. Yeah...just a little trip down Memory Lane, sorry.

That's all I had to say.

This Weekend.

It's Sunday so the weekend is almost over and I didn't really get much of a weekend. Work has been border-line stressful. Friday was the worst! Yesterday we thought it was going to be horrible 'cause we only had three people in the morning, but it actually turned out alright. I work tonight and then again tomorrow evening. I'm looking forward to next Saturday - I don't have to work! Somehow I got the whole day off!!

As of yesterday I have had Bubs, my fish, for three weeks - it's a record for me! And as of tomorrow Shane and I have been engaged for two weeks! And it's been fabulous.

My friend Sarena's wedding is the latter part of June - I'm looking forward to it. It's so exciting! This is the first wedding I'll be attending that is one of my friends' weddings - all the others I've been to are friends of the family (so not my friends) or family weddings...so it's really exciting to be able to get to go to one of my closest friend's wedding! And it's also exciting to think that soon I'm going to be starting to plan MY wedding! Can you believe that?! It's amazing! This long engagement thing will be a good deal for all the planning that weddings entail.

Anyway, I have to go and get ready for work. Have a great week!

Half of a Sleepless Night...

I went to bed around midnight. Didn't have too much trouble falling asleep. While asleep however I kept dreaming that I was cashiering at work, because they had me up checking for almost two hours last night. I woke up around 4 and have tried desperately for the last hour to fall back asleep, but I can't.

My back and shoulders are killing me, my foot is still killing me, and now I have this weird ache one side of my throat. My body can't decide if I'm hot or cold and my stomach is feeling a little icky. I think I might be getting sick. That is something I really don't need right now. Sure I'd love to just lie in bed all day and read a book and sleep whenever, but I have work also. I need to get paid for something! I don't know...

Tuesday Shane and I are going to my Grandparents' house to tell them the news. I'm more nervous having to tell my Grandparents' that I'm getting married than I was when I thought I had to tell my parents about it. Haha. Thank God Shane went to them first like a good boy.

I guess I'm going to try to fall asleep again...not likely, but it's worth trying.

Suicide.

Don't worry, not me.

I was heading over to my television to feed my beta fish, Bubs - his bowl is on top of it. Bubs, I've known since I got him, is a very aggressive fish. Every morning when I feed him he attacks his food and he quickly dives to the bottom of the bowl and tries to bury himself in the rocks. He does this whether or not I'm around his bowl. Today was horrible! I took the lid off to feed him - usually I keep the lid off while he eating so he can better see the food and so far it's been alright. Today...oh my...I took the lid off and reached for his food and that's when he made his escape - onto the top of my television. Now betas don't flop around when they're out of water (I just learned) so I thought he was instantly dead. No, I tried to scoop him back in his water when he jumped again and hit my leg and basically rolled down to my carpeted floor. Again, he didn't flop around making me assume he was, actually this time, dead. As I was trying to scoop him up in my hands he jumped again and then once more when I just moved to have a better angle at him. Finally I just waited until he jumped, caught him in my hands (which was weird) and plopped him back in his water. He's fine. Probably doesn't even know what happened. I fed him - with the lid on this time - and he ate just like normal, attacking his food and diving to the bottom. Since Bubs is a pretty big beta I think I'm going to tape the lid down so he can't push it open.

Apparently fish need to take walks too.

Wednesday.

Ha, I just had the worst time trying to type "Wednesday." How weird.

Mom and I just got back from a little walk. We had to go mail some stuff at the post office - one thing was an RSVP to a couple friends' wedding. Sarena and Dan. I'm so excited for their wedding. It's next month. They're real good for each other and they're pretty cute together too! :) Hehe.

Shane was and still is in the North Platte area today. I think right now he's in Hershey visiting family and he might be staying with them tonight so he can maybe go a hiring session for UP tomorrow morning.

I have two posters to hang up in my room so I think I'm going to do that and read more of the book I started yesterday. It's called "A Song In Ordinary Time" and it's opening kind of slow. But mom says is real good and that she really liked it so I'm looking forward to getting past page 16 haha.

I'm also going to be baking oatmeal/chocolate chip cookies this afternoon. Yay! Cookies!

A...Four? Book Reviews...

I have officially been finished with my 2007 Spring Semester at the University of Nebraska at Kearney for twelve days. In that time I have completed the readings of four novels. Let me further explain:

*The first book I finished is "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" by Kim Edwards. I started reading it a week or so after my 20th birthday in February. Having started reading it during a semester in which I had two separate English classes I had very little time to enjoy this book in between my British literature novels and my Poetry compilations. However, it added a very nice get-away from my boring homework on nights that I found myself wide awake and full of reading strength.

I don't wish to give away all the details of any of the books that I have read this summer, but I will give insight to some intriguing story lines. In "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" we meet a man and a woman who are newly married and become pregnant and this all starts around the '50s. The woman ends up having twins that are delivered by her doctor husband (lucky I would say.) The first born was a boy they name Paul and the second a girl. They were not expecting twins and when she was born the doctor-slash-dad noticed the regular hints of Downs syndrome in the facial features of the little baby girl and passes the baby off to the attending nurse to take her to an institution to save the mother from trying to raise a "touched" child.

Problems and the lie the father is holding from his wife escalate and soon they fall apart. The nurse decides to keep the little girl, Pheobe, to raise as her own - going through their own struggles. It's a very touching book but I, personally, became almost angry at parts trying to get the characters to do what I wanted them to do in my head. But with no such avail. It is a very good book and I do recommend it to anyone that likes a good, touching story from time to time.

*The second book that I finished was one that I finished the day after I completed "The Memory Keeper's Daughter." It's called "Yours Until Dawn" by Teresa Medeiros. You might not have heard the name. Most likely it's because you are not familiar with romance novels. Let me define quickly that there are two kinds of romance novels. There are the smut-romance novels and the love-romance novels. This was border-line. It was a beauty-and-the-beast story, which is my favorite kind of story/fairy-tale/Disney movie. It's a sweet endearing love story with a little of the "smut" mixed in, but it's not overly exaggerated as it is in full-blown smut-romance novels.

It's a good read if you have the time. It's definitely an easy-read, but it is long. Three hundred and seventy-three pages long. I still haven't figured how you can make a romance novel drag on that long.

In any case, there are two main characters, Samantha and Gabriel. He's blind and he has a nasty scar on his face; both resulting from a war. She is a new nurse at his mansion - by the way, he's a rich'n. She grins and bares his hatefulness and obnoxious behavior and they both end up falling for each other. Of course, there is a great twist at the end of the novel that I wasn't even expecting!

I wouldn't recommend this book to just anybody. I guess you have to have the stomach for lovey-dovey romance novels.

*"House of Leaves" written by Mark Z. Danielewski was the third book I finished - the same night I finished "Yours Until Dawn," in fact. I started it almost two years ago when I received the book as a gift from my parents. I had asked for it because it seemed rather interesting. On further inspection, i.e. reading it, I found it to be quite dull and yet still too over-done in parts.

It's a very confusing book. In fact, it's a piece of artwork rather than a book. I don't mean the story was that good, I mean very plainly that the pages are white with scattered and mix-matched fonts, alignments, and written-gibberish. I've never seen anything like that that was purposefully made that way. It was a headache to get through; trying to save your place as you locate and read a three-page footnote. I tell you, it was getting ridiculous. But I finished it, thank you.

Listen carefully, unless you're extremely curious as to what this book is really like DON'T read it. Please, save yourself. It's not worth opening. I was horribly disappointed. All the reviews I read on it were very good, even the bad reviews were good! But the book was awful. And now I feel like Simon Cowell. Just don't read it.

*And finally the fourth book of the twelve days: "Lilith's Dream" by Whitely Strieber. It was a novel, yes. A rather disappointing novel it turned out to be. I hate reading the backs of books before I read them but I bought this one off a bargain-book shelf and it was fairly new - 2002 - and it looked very promising. This author I guess specializes in writing about vampires. I can say truthfully that I enjoy a good vampire movie or book every once in a while. This one, however, was pushing the threshold of my liking a little too much for comfort. Because it was a modern-day vampire story it jumped around a lot and there was a lot to do with government and CIA and New York. Not a big fan.

And surely, you can't ever have a vampire novel without a couple strange "love"-scenes scattered throughout the book whenever the author backs himself into a tight corner. The finally he breaks free of his writer's block long enough to throw in a chase scene or a decent dialog between a human woman, a half-vampire man, and their 1/16th-vampire son. Don't worry the whole book is not that weird or confusing.

I would actually recommend this book. It's lengthy but good. It's written well, apart from that over-done vampire-on-vampire action that really doesn't make any book any better.

Out of those four "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" was my favorite. I am currently out of new reading material. I just stayed up until five in the morning finishing half of "Lilith's Dream" and I guess I'm not even tired. I'm basically running on all adrenaline and I will eventually crash, and it will be bad.

Well, those were my four book reviews. I hope you enjoyed them. After I finish another book I'll get back to with another review.

A Lifetime...

Well, needless to say, Shane and I talked about everything that was progressing in our lives.

And he was holding a little secret against me for the last day.

He had talked to my parents regarding some very important matter that I didn't find out about until tonight after we had a nice dinner in Kearney.

He...

PROPOSED!

We are now engaged...to be married. And it's amazing! I can say I am the future Mrs. Yetter.

AH! I'm so excited!

Feelings.

Today has been a sad, upsetting day.

It started off badly. I had set my alarm for 7 this morning because...

_______

Well, as I was typing that Shane called me. Technically, he had called me back.

I had a bad day today. All day - was bad. The worst part was when I got some really crappy news from Shane. We're, I guess going to talk about this thing tomorrow or something - so not only did I have all day to worry about it, I get to worry about it all day tomorrow too! I'm ready for the worst - I'll just put it that way.

This is, by far, the worst feeling I've ever had. And I can't stop crying. I just finished off my box of tissues.

Today has surely marked our 4th month together as a real bad one. I wish it would have been different. Much different. In fact - I wish I could have today to do over. I just wouldn't have woken up at all - slept all day. Skipped work, not answered my phone...it would have been just great. But I can't do that. All I can do is sit here and cry - and eventually I'll probably cry myself to sleep holding my pillows like they might leave me, too.

I hate Saturdays.

Just As I Thought...

Well, I finished reading two books today. That's how un-exciting my life was today.

I passed all my classes this semester - finally got all my grades back. Parents really don't seem to care. They say "good job" but that's it and they don't even sound too happy about it. Lately I've really been considering quitting school and working full-time at Wal*Mart even though that would surely be the death of me.

My new fishie Bubs is aggressive yet surprisingly timid. He's paradoxical just as I.

Something really hasn't been "right" between Shane and myself for the last couple of days. I don't know - it's not like we're "growing apart" or we're getting too used to each other, it's just...I think it's because we're not constantly in each other's line of sight as of late. He's in Axtell and I'm in Wilcox and gas is expensive and life is going crazy. And most of that has nothing to do with anything save for my mind's troubled rants. Monday when Shane came over I got angry and frustrated for a reason that is probably still unknown to him. I didn't know how to talk to him about it, and now it's over and we finished the day like there was something wrong but we didn't care. Then today, right now, I'm a little upset because I told him at noon when I called him that if he wants to give me a call anytime today he can. And he didn't. Sure I had woken him up when I called to tell him that, but I just feel like he would have wanted to call me anyway. I just called him a couple minutes ago and he was playing his video game that I gave him for his birthday. I'm glad he likes playing it, but our "conversation", if you could call it that, was being staggered by swords clinking and his one-track mind reverting back to his game after I tell him something that is actually, in my mind, kind of impressive. Sure, anyone could have done what I accomplished today, but I was proud of myself and I had no one to share it with except my loving boyfriend who over-appreciates his birthday present. I dismissed myself from the call and started typing. Probably a bad action on my part, he's going to read this and say that I should have just talked to him about it. Well, of course I should have! But I can't seem to compete with my own given gift.

Just to note, this is not an angry blog. This is a Kaylee's-getting-her-feelings-out blog. Otherwise, I don't have anyone to talk to.

Gas prices are going up again and faster than they did last summer. It's sick the way they raise gas prices even though our dollar has hardly any value anymore. Why don't we just go back to the good old bartering days - I'll give you three eggs for a tank of gas, sir. Damn anyone who tries to make this world better by raising prices.

I might be bitter right now. But about what, I do not know. Nor do I care to know. I just know that I might be bitter and that it probably won't subside until tomorrow morning when I wake up. Then of course I will have to leave for work and all my troubles will come flooding back and I will return home tomorrow night with a headache and bad case of I Hate The World. But I really don't. But I will just for the night. Tomorrow night when I relieve myself of the apparently hard job we have in Softlines, Kathy. That job that it so overwhelming that you can stand there for 40 minutes talking with people while NOT doing your job. Or have you forgotten, Kathy, that there are other people in this world too? Do you know that Sunday I was close to quitting MY job because you weren't doing YOUR job? That's right, Kathy. Sweet Kathy that everyone likes. I worked the jobs of 3 people on Sunday for five hours while you did the job of a sloth at the zoo for 4 hours and yet we both got paid - relatively the same amount as well.

Right now I am torn between wanting to just suck up all this bitterness and dislike for some people and things and just deal with it like nothing has ever gone wrong in my life or wanting to unleash these pent up emotions to the people and things that have put said emotions in my life. I could go around being a sweet emotionless girl for the rest of my life if I wished, but I am also completely capable of being the girl that no one wants to know because she wears every one of her emotions and feelings and thoughts on her sleeve - some people just don't want to know the truth. I know part of the truth. I know the world is cruel and that people lie. I've lied. I've learned from experience that anyone is capable of being hurt and everyone is more than capable of hurting someone else. And I've also learned that no matter how hard you try to please everyone you come into contact with, somewhere along the way you will unintentionally hurt someone and it's usually the one person you never want to hurt, even if it costs you everything.

Today was mom and dad's twentieth anniversary. They're happy. At least that's what I can assume from living with them for twenty years.

I think I'm done typing for now. I apologize that this post had no turn of events, no climax, not even a resolution, or a well-written epilogue. Maybe someday people will be able to read those in some book that I write. If I ever get around to writing one. A good one. Not a sappy, life is always great, the world is peaceful kind of book. But a book written with true emotion and just plain Truth. (Capitalized for emphasis. Some writers do that, ya know.)

Two Classes.

So far only two of my final grades are up on the WebEasi site. I passed both my Natural Disasters class and my Criminal Justice class - unfortunately, I barely passed them with a D+. Uhg. At least I did get through, right? I guess. They were two of the last three general studies classes I had to take. I still have my foreign language course - which I'm taking the next two semesters.

I still don't have my other two final grades up for my Poetry class and my British Literature cares. I'm sure they're just fine.

I rearranged some of the furniture in my bedroom today. I moved my television to where my desk was. And my desk is on the adjacent wall. And there's a stand next to my bed now - where my television used to be. It works a lot better than how I had it. I couldn't see my television when I laid on my bed, now I can. It's great.

Bedtime is nigh.

Guess What...

This is my 60th blog post! Yay!

Right. So it's not that big of a deal, but...

I got nothing.

Just thought I'd make an appearance. I'm out.

One Down, Three To Go.

One final is done
My Criminal Justice class
Is now completed.

Yes! I'm still poetizing!

But serious, I did just take my final in Criminal Justice. I don't know how well I did. Those tests seem too easy - it's like a trick, but then you get the grades back and you did worse than you thought you did anyway - even though you didn't think you were going to do well in the first place. Gah, that was a circle.

Well, I have nothing to do until 3:30 which is when I must head to work until 9.

I think I'm going to head to Wal*Mart now to see Shane and his mommy. :)

Can't Sleep.

I need to sleep. I have my first final test tomorrow at 10:30 and I can't sleep. It is currently past 2:30 in the morning. I've tried reading, tried writing, doodling, everything - and I still can't fall asleep. So maybe, I'm hoping, posting a blog about my lack of sleep will help. Who knows?

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I won't have a lot of free-time but that's okay, it's about time I grow up and work almost everyday, right? Sure.

Anywho - here's to trying to fall asleep.

Dead Week Over.

Today marked the last day of dead week here at the UNK campus. Meaning we only have Saturday and Sunday before finals week starts. I'm pretty excited. I think my finals will go just about as good as they should. And I am definitely ready to get off this campus for awhile. Unfortunately, I won't be able to stay out of Kearney for very long. I'll be driving just about an hour to work five days a week and then almost an hour home after work. Not looking forward to that, but eh, it's money, I guess.

I'm hoping mom and daddy let me get a kitten this summer. Actually, instead of getting a kitten I was thinking about adopting at cat from the Humane Society. I was on their website the other night and found this adorable white calico teenage cat that has the most adorable face! It would be ninety dollars to adopt her, but shots and altering have already been taken care of for her and she's also been declawed. So it's perfect, I think. I really really really hope I can get her...or at least, any cat. If I can't I might see if they'll let me get a partner for my parakeet. He's lonely and needs a lady.

Anywho - it's bedtime.

Sleep.

Everyone around me and that I know of seems to be getting a large amount of not sleep. Right as I type this Shane is sleeping and it's almost noon. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. If your body needs sleep then sleep. Easy as that.

However, I know for sure that I don't get enough sleep at night and if I do it's not a restful sleep so why am I not overly tired during the day? I don't feel, as Jonathan stated, "hungry for sleep." So why does everybody else? I feel kind of left out.

But oh well, I'm sure once I move home all this sleep stuff will catch up with me and I'll be sleeping all day on my days off of work.

It's too windy. It's howling through my window screens and it's annoying. At first it was kind of cool - like "oohh there's a storm coming!" But now it's just, "Eh, storm's over..." Ya know?

Anyway...I'm going to find something to do.

Dead Week.

I loathe dead week. Everyone is all stressing about their finals and panicking because they don't have time for anything! If you're one of these people, I don't hate you, I still only hate dead week. I guess I just find it better to not panic about finals too much. If I let myself worry and panic about this school stuff too much I won't do well on any test or assignment or with life until school's over. I have two and a half test for my finals. The half of a test is taken in class and then there's a take-home part. Then I have half of my final poem to turn in on the last day of finals. I have sixty lines to write. Not bad. I'll do that this afternoon while I'm doing my laundry.

I guess another reason I don't panic so much about school is that it really isn't all that important to me. Sure, it's good to get an education and all that especially if there's something you really want to go into. But school really shouldn't get in the way of living. I don't know how I'm going to explain this, so I might not. ...pause...

I'll just put this out there: I don't like school. I don't think I, and some other people, need school to be happy in life. And I think that school adds too much stress to other people's lives that is completely unnecessary. It costs way too much and the cafeteria food is disgusting - but that is beside the point. I'm not saying everyone should quit school and I'm certainly not boycotting school - ha, me boycott something? - I'm just saying that school is not for everyone, and the people who do like school and want to do well still shouldn't panic about things. Organize your time for the week before and of finals - and do this a couple weeks before so you know what's going on. Know what you're going to study and work on each day and at what time of the day. And make sure you take breaks so you don't get overwhelmed and start panicking again. I sometimes don't take my own advice, but either way I do not panic and worry and stress. I guess that might just not be my nature about school.

Anyway, I have to go to class. Good luck with the last few weeks of school - not sure how much longer everyone else has, but it's coming up. Loves.

Hearbroken.

In a couple ways...

My mental and physical self is drained from sadness of the shootings that are going on. There has to be a way to get all of this to stop, but I can't think of anything. I wish it would just stop so no more people have to die, get hurt, or even threatened. And I feel awful for those people that think that shooting people and then turning the gun on themselves is going to solve whatever problem they're facing at the moment. What's going on in their minds that they can't just see one tiny fleck of good in their lives?

You know the feeling of panic when you're having a bad dream and you just can't wake up. Imagine that feeling. Is that how these people feel? Do they think they're in a dream or do they think that if it works in dreams it'll work in real life? Or do they just not know the consequences of their actions before they whip out that gun shoot unsuspecting students, faculty, and random passersby? And how could they possibly think that shooting themselves after shooting other people is going help? I don't understand any way they could possibly be logically reasoning these actions. I don't mean to sound heartless right now, but I'm sure it'll turn out that way (and before you get mad at me, let me explain what I do mean.) Why don't these stressed out people just go straight for themselves? I don't mean they should kill themselves, but I think it's very redundant to take someone else's life before taking your own. If you really wanted those other people dead wouldn't you want to stay around and rot in jail and reap the gratitude of taking their lives? I guess that only seems logical to me. But of course, since they're also killing themselves it shows that they came to some realization of the wrong that just performed and knew they wouldn't be able to face the consequences he or she brought on him or herself. These people need to think all this through before they blow off in a violent fit of rage and murder innocent people.

I don't know where to go from there. I'm mad at these people for taking lives and not being "man enough" to stick around to watch the rest of their lives fall apart. If they can muster up enough guts to kill these innocent people in the first place they should be able to stay alive and deal with the rest of it. If not, they shouldn't worry about these other people because in death they wouldn't have to deal with each other anyway. I'm rambling - I don't know how to put my anger/frustration into non-rambling order. Sorry. But this isn't fair. And I hate it. I hate it.

Yes, I'm angry and these people I don't know, but I hate what they did. I don't know the people they killed, but I could have. This could have happened here at UNK. It could have happened anywhere else that day, but it happened there. Not even close to here and it still hits close to home. And this part feels like the bad dream you can't wake up from...where everybody is turning against everyone else and everyone is dying by the hand of some kid that thought his life would be better if he devastated families and then shot himself.

I think I'm done ranting about this now. I got a little worked up, sorry. I just feel awful about what happened.

Wednesday And I'm Bored.

I was in my room all day. I hate to admit that I didn't go to either of my classes today. I slept through my first class and just seemed to be too lazy to get off my bum to get to my afternoon class. I feel bad for skipping, but for some reason I just couldn't make myself get to that second class. Bleh.

I finished a project that I've been working on for a few weeks this evening. It's something that I'll be giving to Mom for Mother's Day. It's cute. I hope she likes it. Since I got that done today I feel extra bored not having a project to work on. The blanket that I'm working on is at home in Wilcox so I don't have that to work on. I have a scarf that I'm making here in my dorm room, but it gets pretty boring only working with one color continuously. I'm knitting it. It's fun, but like I said: monotonous.

I watched American Idol tonight. As I do every Tuesday and Wednesday night. Sanjaya got booted tonight. Sorry, but it's about time. There was so much hype about him still being there and that he wasn't that good and whatever else - it was just dumb. I'm glad he's gone just so all that talk is over.

I guess that's all I have to say right now. I was thirsty so I bought chocolate milk - it was good. I think I'll have some more.

Pollen.

I've never been allergic to trees. All my life I've only been allergic to grass pollen, ragweed pollen, and corn dust (most of the time.)

Just recently I've developed an allergy to tree pollen. And it's probably most from maple trees. I don't like it. I can't breathe, can't taste any food, and my throat hurts. And I sound funny when I talk.

Poo. :(

I need drugs.

The Man.

I love this kid.

Published.

I submitted some of my poems to be considered as entries to be published in the colleges fine arts book, Carillon. Two of my haiku poems will be published in this years book. I found out today. And I am, needless to say, pretty darn excited!

Here are the two poems that will be published:

They Never Get The Story Right

I don't believe you.
You can't get anything right!
Down with local news.

I Think You Are Going To Kill Yourself

We are all dying,
But you are dying faster.
Better quit smoking.


They're pretty cheesy - but maybe that's what they were looking for when they reviewed the submissions. I'm thinking about having a party in my honor, of course, to celebrate the being-publishedness of Me. Ha - I never would have gotten any poem published if I used the word publishedness. Oh man.

Anywho, thought I'd share the news!

WalMart Downers.

People, customers, don't understand how frustrated we associates get when they don't listen to us. They go on and on about a problem that we cannot solve - but we know who can - and we get behind in answering more problematic phone calls and the yelling piles up. Just listen to us when we say we will direct you to another department that will be able to help with your problem. We don't know what the hell you are talking about - but someone else might so just hang on the line while we transfer your call. And have a nice day sir or ma'am.

Don't walk down the middle of the busiest isles of WalMart intently looking at things that have always and will always be on that rack. Move to the side of the isle so other customers and disgruntled associates can get by you. An associate might just be running to the other side of the store to check on something in a completely different department for a call-in customer that has already started using short staccato'd answers and hugely irritated tones. We're sorry you have the disability of WalkDownTheMiddleOfTheIsleSlowly syndrome - I don't think they've found the cure yet, but until they do try your hardest to please be courteous to other people.

If you call in to WalMart to ask a question please ask yourself the question first and make sure you definitely can't answer it yourself. If you call with a price-check or two, fine; but when you call in just to make sure we carry some certain product...well, I have one thing to say: We're WalMart, it's almost a given that we carry whatever it is, unless of course it's a farfetched made-up item that you dreamt up just to cause the associate answering your call unnecessary stress.

If you call in saying that you forgot a sack of paid-for items at the register you checked out at, don't give us the whole story. We, honestly, don't care that you spent so much money on groceries. We don't need to know that you were there between your two favorite shows and that you went to the bathroom and jumped up and down on one foot for two hours trying to find something in our store - we only need to know that you didn't get home with all your paid-for items. And we will then kindly and appreciatively direct you up to the Service Desk where they will check and see if they have the items you didn't get home. It's really a very simple process. And please don't get angry with us if you forgot something in the store. It's not our fault. It's especially not the fault of the person answering the phone when you call with your problem. We cannot watch over you making sure you get all your sacks in your cart and moreso, in your vehicle once you leave the store. We're sorry it happened to you, but it's really your responsibility to grab all, if not most, of the items you paid for. Don't yell at us over the phone.

Please don't snap at the associate answering the phone if your call doesn't get answered. We can only do so much behind the phone. We answer your call. We direct the call to where it needs to go. And we can page the associate and/or department a few times. But we cannot run all over the store making sure each department answers their calls. That's their own business. If they choose not to answer the call or take a long time to get to a phone to take the call, it is not our fault. WalMart is a busy place, I'm sure you've all noticed. We're sorry that sometimes things take longer than necessary. We associates get frustrated, too, when things take longer than they should and we have to deal with it longer than just the length of a phone call. Just be patient with us, we're doing all we can to make you happy so try to make ours a little easier.

WalMart is not a daycare. Do not let your children run around unsupervised unless you want them to get hurt, lost, or worse. We cannot look out for everyone in that store. They are your children, not ours, they are your responsibility. When they cry it disrupts the already hectic atmosphere that is WalMart. I understand that babies will cry. But older children do not need to throw fits in public the way I've seen them do. And they have no reason to run around screaming and tearing things from racks and shelves. Don't let them do that, parents. It's not only your responsibility, but their behavior reflects your parenting. And do not make a scene yelling at your children in the store. That's even worse than your kids yelling. If you can't control your children any other way than screaming back at them, they and yourself shouldn't be in public in the first place.

Don't be rude and put things from one department in another. Don't look at something you put in your cart and decide you don't need it anymore and bury it in the t-shirts or the towels across the store. If you're close enough please put the item away where you found it, at least close to where you found it. Or if you do not want to travel back to the origin of location, give the item to the nearest WalMart associate and they will kindly put it back for you. We won't yell at you for asking to put something back for you. We would be honored. It makes less work for us. We would be happy to do something like that for you.

Don't fill your cart up and leave the store, leaving the cart in softlines (the clothes departments) with groceries and milk and other perishable items. It's irresponsible of you, the customer, and shows everyone that you're rude. It makes more work for the associates. Sure, we get paid to do that kind of stuff. But when customers are rude to us, eventually it just gets hard for we associates to grin and bare it. Be nice and we'll be extremely friendly back. We try to be as nice as we can be to start with, but when you treat us like we're crap we don't appreciate it. We're humans too, just trying to make money at this job.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that customers at WalMart could be nicer. We try our hardest to make your experience at WalMart quick and painless. Unfortunately, as we try to do so, we end up getting beat up (in the metaphoric sense.) Yes, there are the customers that are just amazing. They're nice, they say thank you and please, they aren't irritating, they don't treat the associates like crap, and most of all they understand that working at WalMart is a job, too. So it's not a nice fancy desk job, but it's not all that bad. What makes it bad is the people that come in and ruin our day just like a crabby client would ruin your day at your high-paying, I-sit-in-an-office-all-day job. Congratulations on getting that job by the way. But please please please, let us do our job. Because we're doing our job for you.

And this has been Kaylee's rant'n'rage about WalMart and the customers I've, thus far, encountered in my almost-6-month experience of working there. I apologize at it's lengthiness. It could be worse. I could have gone into detail.

Just A Tuesday.

No news today.

American Idol is on tonight. Followed by House. We will watch both.

Had a pretty good day in British Literature today. We had a good discussion about what we are reading and we had a chance to joke around and laugh. I guess it was good because it was lighthearted - compared to other days when we just sit there and listen to her carry on about nothing as she stutters and interjects her hm?'s and yes?'s. It's usually what she says is the only thing you should ever know again, but today she actually asked for our opinions and partially agreed with a couple of them - being as most of our opinions were just jokes regarding the reading for today. Either way, it was good that she was smiling with the class today.

How is everyone else doing? Good, I hope!

Back To The Basics.

I'm having a problem.

(s)?...Yeah, it's plural.

Work. School. More work. Aches and pains that get in the way of everything else.

I'm not going into detail about anything, but please bare with me if I do start rambling about random preoccupations of my life.

I will be using this blog again for everyday type postings - and I will continue to post poems when I find or write a new one.

That's all I have for now.

MySpace and Im-Personality.

Today I decided I'm getting rid of my MySpace account. It was a hinder on my...self. I guess. Sure, it's a great way to keep in touch with friends. But there's also phone calls, emails, letters, a quick visit, a girls day out, a movie night, need I go on? It seems that lately all people can do on MySpace is bicker and start rumors and create all this unnecessary drama that no one should have to put up with. Some people just need drama in their life and that's sad. I feel bad for those people because they just can't stop hurting themselves or others just so they can have something to complain about and cry themselves to sleep at night about.

Okay, MySpace can be a great way to show off your personality. You can design your profile to reflect yourself. But how many people just use MySpace to meet people 'cause they're too scared to do so in person. They hide behind a computer screen and emoticons and never get close enough to other people. No hugs. No real smiles. Just a computer screen full of lies and crude emoticons.

And then there's the people that add friends just to make their number go up. It's some kind of competition with those people. Hey, I only have 30 friends on my current account - and I know all of them - excluding one - Bif Naked. I just love her music. It's disturbing how many people you can call a MySpace friend and how few people you can truly call Friend.

I'm getting away from MySpace not to shut out my friends and displace myself from the cyber-world, but to start a LifeSpace. Turn off the computer once in a while and stop worrying about how many emails are going around about the mistakes you made. And don't stress out if you don't fill out the latest survey going around. Go out and meet people and let them just find out who you are in person. Stop being impersonal.

Thanks for reading my rant.

Buffy.

Buffy
Kaylee A. Ferree

Buffy musical
I've no one to watch it with
Except maybe...me?

Da-Da-Da.

How about a new Haiku?

This, a new Haiku
Is a dedication to
da-da-da-donkeys!

Kaylee A. Ferree



I know, it's amazingly brilliant. And you're thinking, "What the heck? Why didn't I come up with that?" Right? Yeah...thought so.

Silent Noon.

Silent Noon
Dante Gabriel Rossetti

Your hands lie open in the long fresh grass,-
The finger-points look through like rosy blooms:
You eyes smile peace. The pasture gleams and glooms
'Neath billowing skies that scatter and amass.
All round our nest, far as the eye can pass,
Are golden kingcup-fields with silver edge
Where the cow-parsley skirts the hawthorne-hedge.
'Tis visible silence, still as the hour-glass.

Deep in the sun-searched growths the dragon-fly
Hangs like a blue-thread loosened from the sky:-
So this wing'd hour is dropt to us from above.
Oh! clasp we to our hearts, for deathless dower,
This close-companioned inarticulate hour
When two-fold silence was the song of love.


from "Four Centuries of Great Love Poems." Compiled by Debra Starr. J.W. Edwards, Inc., US: 2006.


I thought this poem was beautiful. Love doesn't need sound. It just needs love.

Sorry. Again.

Yeah...

So I haven't posted for awhile. I know. I'm bad.

I was on Spring Break so I really didn't get around to waking up very early to think about putting a poem or something up here everyday. Then I came back to school and still didn't wake up in time to put a poem up here before I went to class...usually.

So anywho...Sorry. Maybe I'll get my butt back on my computer chair eventually and post a crazy poem. How'd ya all like that?

________________

In other news...

Shane and I might be trying to get a little group together to play in Wilcox this summer for the 4th of July celebration that we have on or around the 4th of July. This year it'll be on the eighth. If it actually goes through and stuff I'll let ya know and maybe you can come venture down and hear us play. I promise we'll sound awesome.

By the way - this is now your one stop shop for all your poetry needs and your information center on the Kaylee Ferree Experience (or so I've been calling it - our "band".)

So yeah, tune in. And we'll see you next time on...Kaylee's...awesome...poemlikebandstuff...blog!

Drawing.

Shane made this for me. It's poetic. Just look at it.

Just Need To Know.

Just wondering if I could ask you, if you read this, to let me know something.

I don't want to be just posting these poems for myself - I could just read them to myself out of a book. I'm just wondering who is actually reading my blog and actually cares to read it - no pity reading please.

Apologies and Verse One.

Sorry for the lack of poetry today. I hope you all weren't too discouraged. I hope, to make up for the missing poem, you will all enjoy the first verse to the song I am currently writing. The chorus, if you remember, is titled At Midnight - the previous post.

(So Far Untitled)
Kaylee A. Ferree

Laughing. All the flowers tickle
Elbows, knees and I can't think at all,
Save for all the ways I love you
To me, you are beautiful.
But that's over now.
The Spring-time of our Love is gone.



Don't worry. I am not writing this song about my current relationship with Shane. Far from it. I'm just piecing together bad memories of past relationships to make a, hopefully, decent song. Please let me know what you think.

At Midnight.

At Midnight
Kaylee A. Ferree

Baby, it's cold outside
And I feel so alone
Baby, it's cold outside
I thought I knew you were the only one
But you threw it all away like
The rain comes to wash away the lies
You told me.


This is actually the chorus of a song that I'm in the process of finishing.

I Have Ink In My Skin.

I Have Ink In My Skin
Kaylee A. Ferree

I got a tattoo
Last month. It is on my back.
No, it did not hurt.



This was based on a true story.

Slam Poet: Johnny Tornado.

Johnny Tornado (or Johnmark Huscher) spoke in our poetry class this semester. He is amazing. You can find his myspace profile if you'd like. In our class he shared with us one of his poems, Punk Rock Love Poem. It was amazing. I have it on my Myspace profile.

Instead of posting a written poem today I want to give you the link to my Myspace profile so you can hear this incredible spoken poem.

Bold Disclaimer: There is swearing, and much of it. If you don't want to hear s words or f words then please do yourself a favor and do not visit the link.

Punk Rock Love Poem: Johnmark Huscher.

I wish I could find videos of him to put on Myspace. Of course, I haven't looked very hard.

Oh, and thanks for the comments and feedback.

A Haiku For Spring Break.

Sorry, I've been slacking on my poems during Spring Break. Biiig apologies. Here's one off the top of my head...

A Haiku For Spring Break
Kaylee A. Ferree

Slacking on Spring Break
Is not fair to my readers.
I love Maggie's hair.

The Door To the Toy Room Always Open.

Door To the Toy Room Always Open
Kaylee A. Ferree

Two grand-daughters growing up
with hand-made teddy bears worn from hugs
and smiles. The door was never closed;
Grandpa's strong steady voice
rang in tiny ears. Yellowed books
held by young hands, cozy on the lap
of a teacher. The kind of teacher
that is a Grandmother. Markers
gripped tightly with learning hands.
Chocolate chip cookies and milk,
a feast for Princesses after their naps,
but those young hearts never slept.


This is the revised The Toy Room. I had to shorten it from thirty lines to twelve lines; and the syllables per line had to be shortened as well. I don't know which one I like best.

Chickens Deserve To Die.

Chickens Deserve To Die
Gayle Morton

5 am in the cold frigid daybreak
In rubber boots 2 sizes too big
To do a job not worth the payback
Rancid chickens fluttering in filth
Too stupid to know what's happening
But smart enough to fight back
Claws of steel scratch severely, slowly
How Flesh flies in the chicken coop
Outside comes the end and not too soon
One chop, two chops dead, done, next
Watch the legs wiggle as life leaves
Drain the blood as hounds dig in the feast
My voice may sound cold, but trust me
The chickens deserve to die

"Car.il.lon: 2006." Morris Publishing, Kearney NE. 2006

I think this one explains itself.

The Toy Room.

The Toy Room

Kaylee A. Ferree

The only two grand-daughters all grown up now
No one to play with the old, forgotten toys
The hand-made teddy bears worn from hugs and smiles
Their arms still outstretched, pleading for one last embrace
Strong sunlight through the window illuminating
The child’s small rocking chair, legs covered in bite marks
From the family’s old beagle named Velvet
Remember the old, roughly upholstered couch
Not comfy or snuggly enough for naps
And remember the sharp smell of legal pads
Grandpa’s office over-run by cute dollies
The closet was a forest of unworn clothes
They covered the childish toys of young hearts
Board games, Barbie’s, and puzzles missing pieces
Hours spent running a miniature plastic farm
Pages of books yellowing on the shelves
Stories read a hundred times not growing old
Young hands holding Go, Dog Go! and Hop On Pop
Learning how to read on the lap of a teacher
The kind of teacher that is a Grandmother
The door never completely shut while playing
Hearing Zoobilee Zoo left on the T.V.
The strong voice of the Grandfather ringing loud
Singing old western songs – his voice not shaky
Snacks of crackers and peanut butter or
M & M’s and soft chocolate chip cookies
Spending the rest of the day with new crayons
The only goal was to stay in the lines
Wish to return to the cozy old toy room
The only two grand-daughters all grown up now

This poem has been shortened and revised to turn in for our midterm assignment in my Poetry class. I will post the revised version sometime. But first, please tell me what you think of the original. I would love feedback on these poems, even if they're not mine. And remember, let me know if you want to read any other poets or a certain genre of poem. Thanks.

Kay.

The Infirmament.

The Infirmament
Dean Young

An end is always punishment for a beginning.
If you're Catholic, sadness is punishment
for happiness, you become the bug you squash
if you're Hindu, a flinty space opens
in your head after a long night of laughter
and wine. For waking there are dreams,
for French poetry, English poetry,
for light, fire although sometimes
fire must be punished by light
which is why psychotherapy had to be invented.
A father may say nothing to a son for years.
A wife may keep something small folded deep
in her underwear drawer. Clouds come in
resembling the terrible things we believe
about ourselves, a rock comes loose
from a ledge, the baby cries
and cries. Doll in a chair,
windshield wipers, staring off
into the city lights. For years
you may be unable to hear the word monkey
without a stab in the heart because
she called you that the summer she thought
she loved you and you thought you loved
someone else and everyone loved
your salad dressing. And the daffodils
come up in the spring and the snow covers
the road in winter and the water covers
the deep trenches in the sea where all the time
the inner stuff of this earth surges up
which is how the continents are made
and broken.


-The Best American Poetry: 2000. Rita Dove. David Lehman. Scribner, 2000.



This poem is the best we have studied in my Poetry class this semester. It is pretty close to a written slam poem, only shorter. I would love to post more actual slam poems here, but they're just not the same written opposed to spoken. Maybe we could all go to a slam competition sometime.

Poetry.

The theme of this blog is now Poetry.

I will try to post a different poem each day - and I will try to do so in the morning so you'll be able to start your day out right - with a healthy dose of written art.

I will start today - once I finish this post informing you all of my decision.

If you know of any poets that you would like to see here please let me know and I will do my best to get your requests posted.

Thanks.

Kay.

Announcement.

As you can see I have a new blog link in the right hand column of this page. Shelly's Blog. You all should check it out.

And I will, soon, be getting to posting my real blogs soon. Within the next week, I hope.

Good-night all.

Sorry.

I still haven't really decided on what I'm going to do with my blog. I think I might post poems - like a have a poem of the week maybe. And that would give me a chance to post some of my own poems and get a little feedback on them.

And then I thought, maybe I could do a poem of the week and then do something else daily. *shrugs* I just need to figure out what I would do daily - apart from "work was okay today, I have homework, goodbye" type stuff.

Thank you all for the suggestions and I'll get something up and running soon-esque. Promise.